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08:01 pm: Kiwi Christmas poem
Ivonne has just sent me a Kiwi Christmas poem, much of which will make no sense to anyone without a NZ heritage.

Twas the Night before Christmas and all through the bach,
Not even a weta was making a scratch.

Woolly socks were hung by the potbelly with care,
In the hopes that Santa soon would be there.

The children were snoozing in a light summer's breeze,
Whilst dreaming of spongy pud and lime green cream freeze.

And dad in his walk shorts and me in my jandals,
Had just settled down for a couple of handles.

When out on the lawn I heard such a ruckus,
I sprang from my Lazy Boy to see what the fuss was.

I ran to the sliding door, gasping and wheezing,
Threw open the curtains and upped the venetians.

The moon on the sand and the Trailer tarp,
Lit the beach up just like Eden Park.

But still when I saw, I thought I was asleep,
A miniature Kingswood, pulled by eight tiny sheep.

With a little old driver, sipping a Fanta,
I knew in a moment, it had to be Santa.

Faster than Phar Lap on steroids they came,
And he coo-eed and shouted and called them by name.

Now, Kevin! now, Sharlene! now, Rangi and Beck!
On, Darryl! On Shazza! on, Bilbo and Shrek!

To the top of the Pagoda, to the top of the wall,
Get in behind, Get in behind, Get in behind, All!

As sandflies around a bar-b-que fly,
When they sniff the sizzlers and take to the sky.

So up to the top of the bach they flew,
With a boot full of toys and Santa Claus too.

With a handbrake stop, they arrived on the roof,
Four Goodyear tyres and 32 hoofs.

And as I quickly turned and ran to the lounge,
Out from the chimney Santa came with a bound.

He was wearing board shorts, and gumboots on foot.
And his Mambos were covered in six-month-old soot.

A bundle of toys he had on his back,
As if on OE with a brand new Macpac.

He looked like he'd come from the beauty parlour,
With rosy red cheeks like pohutukawa.

A gorgeous big grin and white as white hair,
With wee little tufts growing out of his ears.

He had a broad chest and a round beer gut,
That shook when he laughed like Jabba the Hutt.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly hobbit,
And I laughed when I saw him, I couldn't stop it.

He gave me a wink and a bonza thumbs up,
And I quickly realised he wasn't a nut.

He went straight to the socks without saying a thing,
And filled them with barbies and Shrek 2 keyrings.

Then giving his nose a jolly good scratch,
He flew up the chimney with an almighty flash.

He jumped in the Kingswood and cranked the ignition,
And then they took off, like some NASA mission.

But I think I could hear, as he drove out of sight
"Merry Christmas to all, have a bl#*dy good night!"


[User Picture]
Date:December 20th, 2005 10:29 pm (UTC)
I think I get the drift - I love the line about the handles. My wife insisted that I read it aloud in a Kiwi accent, not an Aussie one. Sad to say, I don't know the difference.

An interesting question - how does a guy in England tell an Aussie from a Kiwi without asking?
[User Picture]
Date:December 21st, 2005 09:30 am (UTC)
-An interesting question - how does a guy in England tell an Aussie from a Kiwi without asking?
It's easy, Aussies are much less good looking. And they have zinc on their noses.
[User Picture]
Date:December 21st, 2005 10:11 am (UTC)
That is sooo funny , I am quoting you on my LJ , where the question is being discussed in full...
[User Picture]
Date:December 21st, 2005 10:28 am (UTC)
-That is sooo funny , I am quoting you on my LJ , where the question is being discussed in full...
OMG! I'm glad I didn't mention the thin lips and beady eyes then!
[User Picture]
Date:December 21st, 2005 10:29 am (UTC)
And I am a she. A she takahe.
[User Picture]
Date:December 21st, 2005 10:52 am (UTC)
Now that was entertaining. The hostel suggestion would work well in America (where they thought I was saying hostile) but to someone in the UK the Kiwi pronunciation would be closer to the English accent (ie: correct)

More Kiwis use the phrase "Sweet As" than aussies, which is not recommended for use in America. I found out the hard way that this phrase in a Kiwi accent sounds like you're complimenting their rear end.

Probably the best way to find out would be to ask "Who's the Prime Mininster down there these days?" and you'll know depending on whether they say John Howard or Helen Clark (which may sound like Hillin Cluck). Or you could ask them what they think about the war on Iraq, there is a widening difference on how the two countries view the world these days.
[User Picture]
Date:December 21st, 2005 09:31 am (UTC)
Well, it made plenty of sense to me. Thanks for sharing it!
[User Picture]
Date:December 21st, 2005 10:38 am (UTC)
My Mum found it as an illustrated picture book! She's sent it to my sister in London for Christmas. One of the sheep has one of those old plastic red nose things on that they used to sell for charity.
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